Showing posts with label scams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label scams. Show all posts

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

What If Rupert Murdoch’s Empire Were Hacking All The Way Down?

rupert-murdochRupert Murdoch owns a lot. That sentence doesn’t even need an indirect object. He simply owns a lot. Of newspapers, of movie studios, of television networks, of television programs, of websites, of magazines, of record labels. He even owns fifty percent of Australia’s National Rugby League. Chances are that of the thousands of pieces of content you interact with everyday, a good third to one-half of them link back to him in some sort of gold-plated game of Six Degrees of Rupert Murdoch.

He now owns one hell of a scandal. Murdoch’s News Corporation is the parent company of News International, which published the British tabloid News of the World. It’s recently come to light that News of the World engaged in phone hacking to illegally obtain information. Earlier this month, British prime minister David Cameron called for a massive government inquiry into the affair, hoping to address claims of hacking and police bribery.

High-ranking British police officials are stepping down. Members of Murdoch’s empire are being arrested. The United States is now getting involved: the FBI just began investigating whether or not News Corp’s violated the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act with the alleged hacking and bribery. Oh yeah, and they might have accessed the voicemails of victims of the 9/11 attacks and the 7/7 London bombings.

Rather than wade into this quagmire and attempt to report on it (there’s plenty of that going on already), I’d like to speculate on what the world would be like if such underhanded behavior pervaded the furthest reaches of Murdoch’s empire. Cue the dream sequence music.

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Monday, July 11, 2011

A Decade of Dreck #58: The Celestine Prophecy

Charge Shot!!! is celebrating the end of the decade in the most masochistic way we know how - by watching and writing about the 100 worst movies of the last ten years as defined by film review aggregator Rotten Tomatoes. Click here to see RT's complete list, click here for more about the Decade of Dreck project, and click here to see all of the movies we've done so far.

As a bookseller, there are two types of people I loathe more than all others (the people who buy Amish romance novels I believe to be beneath my hatred): first are the Self-Help people. I really, really dislike having to show someone all the books about "getting motivated" and "dealing with difficult people" and "turning your life around". All I want to say to them is "This is a scam to dupe you out of your money. Get a hobby and stop being so fucking sad all the goddamn time." but of course, that's how you get fired.

Higher up on my shit list (okay, maybe somewhere below the old people who buy books about how the "Moslems are gunna impose Sharia law on America") are the New Age "spiritual" people. There's way too big a market for this sort of shit out there; my store only got rid of the "Crystals" sub-section in the New Age department last week. I already have a pretty dim view of religion in general, but I will say this for Christianity and the others, at least they have their shit together. New Age people are just wackos.

So it is with great delight that I was assigned this week's entry, the king of the Self-Help/New Age hill: a film adaptation of James Redfield's The Celestine Prophecy.
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Monday, April 11, 2011

We're as Sad as Hell and We're Not Gonna Take This Anymore! - R.I.P. Sidney Lumet

By now any of you out there with any sort of connection to the wider world will have heard the news that legendary director Sidney Lumet passed away this weekend at the age of 86. He leaves behind one of the most solid and astonishing filmographies of any Hollywood director in the past half decade. 12 Angry Men, Serpico, Dog Day Afternoon, The Verdict, the list goes on. Lumet established himself as one of the best directors for confronting capital i Issues through the use of cinema. And yet he never won an Oscar (except for a lifetime achievement award from the Academy a couple years ago, which is nice I suppose).

By far the most iconic and oft-referenced of Lumet's movies is 1976's television satire Network. Owing much to Peter Finch's famous-for-a-reason "Mad as hell" speech, you see this one get brought out every couple years or so at Oscar montages, and like I said, it's famous for a reason: it's so damn good.

Network is centered around the story of Howard Beale, the primetime news anchor at "UBS" the lowest-rated network in the country. When he receives the word that he's been fired, he suffers what seems to be a nervous breakdown; or is it a prophet's revelation?


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Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Super Bowl Commercials 2011: A Tremendous Display of Blatant Capitalism!

"You know, I think I'm paying more attention to the commercials than to the actual game. I need to reverse that."

This was a comment I overheard during Super Bowl XLV. And while this is never the scenario a football fan envisions during their sport's biggest broadcast of the year, I can't say I could find fault with his initial reaction. At the time, the game was looking like it would turn into a blowout (a situation that was thankfully rectified later on) and each 30-second spot was garnering laughter and cheers from the audience.

Which is to be expected. When a company is shelling out up to $100,000 per second of airtime, the marketing folks had better have what it takes to steal the show. Many of these companies brought their A-Games, saturating the screen with arrangements of color and light and sound designed to stimulate the highest possible desire to buy their products.

I, for one, enjoyed watching some of the higher-echelon commercials, but they didn't inspire in me a desire to buy - they only inspired in me a desire to blog about commercials. Who would have thought the blogosphere would provide us with the tools to undermine the advertising age?


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Thursday, January 20, 2011

Oh boy! Comcast-NBC Merger Approved By the FCC

On Tuesday, the FCC approved Comcast's much-ballyhooed acquisition of NBC.

This deal has been a long time coming: General Electric agreed to sell NBC, then worth $30 billion, to Comcast in December of 2009, and this agreement followed some nine months of negotiations. Then, the deal passed to the Federal Communications Commission, who decided in a four-to-one vote that it was okay for a production company to be controlled by a company that distributes those productions.

As with the Net Neutrality restrictions that the FCC issued last month, there's a lot going on in this deal, and a lot of different people have a lot of very different things to say about it. In this week's episode, I'll try to parse the news and, as always, explain what the big deal is.
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Tuesday, January 18, 2011

This is the Dawning of the Age of ... Capricorn???

Ophiuchus, the serpent-bearer
Have you ever read your horoscope in hopes of gaining some supernatural preparation for what the future holds? Or have you ever looked at a breakdown of your astrological sign, latching on to all the vague tidbits that accurately represent your personality type (or rather the personality type you wish you had), and conveniently ignoring the ones that aren't so insightful? If you answered yes to either of these questions, then you might have already heard that the astrological sign you always used to define yourself could be wrong.

Last Monday, the Minneapolis Star Tribune reported a claim made by astronomer Parke Kunkle that, thanks to a gravitational shift, the Earth is no longer aligned with the zodiac signs the way it used to be. That means that on your next birthday the sun (or moon or whatever) might not be "in" the same constellation it was in on the day you were born. The news took a few days to go viral over the Tweeters, and the Diggits, and the FaceUnions, and it's been a few more days until my scheduled post where I can tell you all about it.

Many astrology buffs have reacted with feelings ranging from annoyance to rage at finding out that their favorite pseudo-science has suddenly proved unreliable. And I can't say I blame them. I didn't read my horoscope before the big change, and I don't plan to now. But do I have to start identifying myself with a whole new portion of the population? And what's with this crazy 13th sign, Ophiuchus? And Scorpio only lasts a week now!? There's plenty to read about after the jump.


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Monday, January 10, 2011

'Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark' Reviewed or "Turn it off! Turn it off! TURN IT OFF! *sobs*"

As was the case with my parents' last visit to my New York abode, my father decided to spring for a Broadway show when they came to town two weeks ago. This time around, on Christmas Day 2010, he opted to secure tickets to a preview performance of the already infamous Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark. For those of you who don't have subscriptions to Playbill (or you know, read the Internet) Spider-Man is currently on track to being the most expensive show ever to (dis)grace the Great White Way, with costs rivaling those of a summer blockbuster. More than that, technical problems and a shocking number of near-death experiences on the part of the cast  have delayed the production by over a year. Yes, I saw that show.

As you may or may not have been noticed, I am a lifelong Spider-Fan (I self-identify with that term). Spider-Man was, depending on the sources you consult, my first favorite superhero (largely varying on whether or not one counts Jun Fukuda-era Godzilla as a "superhero"). Spider-Man helped inspire my love of science fiction and served as a moral compass on my impressionable youthful psyche. My love of the character continues to the present day, being nurtured by the (first two entries of the) recent film series and a slavish devotion to the comics.

In addition, I was a theater kid in high school. I loved the spring musical, even if my particular vocal talents had yet to develop and I was usually relegated to non-singing roles (my greatest part played was the Constable in Fiddler on the Roof). My stage years nurtured in me a healthy appreciation for showtunes and admiration for the talents and perofrmances of live theater.

So, I basically had to see this show.
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Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I'm Getting Awful Sick of These "Personal Appeals"

Have you visited Wikipedia lately? Chances are, if you're a college student searching for infallible information to cite on your term paper, a concerned citizen looking to beef up on world news, or just a curious American interested in reading up on Frank Zappa's favorite rock guitarist, your answer to my first question is a resounding "Yes!"

And if you answered "Yes!" to the above question, you're sure to have noticed a rather unsightly and intrusive banner link across the top of ANY Wikipedia page you might have visited. It's a link to an impassioned plea from some anonymous dude to donate money to his crackpot enterprise.

When we encounter a similar request from someone on a street corner, we refer to that person as a "bum" or a "pandhandler" or someone recently disenfranchised by San Francisco's Proposition L. When we encounter this request from someone on the internet, we refer to that person as an entrepreneur. Discuss...



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Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The Bears and The Bulls

Remember when your mother or father sat you down and gave you the talk about "the birds and the bees?" It's probably less common now in the days of the Internet and health class in school; and I doubt if anyone has seriously used the phrase "the birds and the bees" since about 1962. But the cliche is well-established and the sentiment is well-recognized - it's an awkward coming-of-age talk about a subject that is both exciting and necessary for our society.

We have reached a point in our society where coming of age requires a talk about a different set of animals - ones that represent a subject just as necessary for survival, but not nearly as exciting or rewarding. I'm not talking about the Donkey and the Elephant; we've covered enough politics in the past month, even given that we just recently emerged from election season. No, like the birds and the bees, this pair of animals also begins with a B. And if you can't tell by now what they are, I'll give you a hint: they're the animals from the title of this post.

You've probably heard the terms "Bearish" and "Bullish" in reference to the economy. But to the non-financially minded, those two terms generally refer to trends in the stock market. Put simply, a bear market is one characterized by cautious investing and downward trending prices, whereas a bullish market includes high returns and upward trends. But I don't mean that parents should educate their kids on the intricacies of trading stocks. I'm using the bear and the bull as metaphorical tropes to represent the institution of money.

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Sunday, October 10, 2010

Dispatches From New York Comic Con 2010- Day Two: Long Lines, Heartbreak, and Synergy

I rose bright and early Saturday morning, ready to face the trials and tribulations of another day at New York Comic Con. After a long ride to Midtown Manhattan on the 2 Train, I emerged on 34th Street and made my way to a confounding sight: there were a lot more people this time.

Owing to the fact that most people work/attend school on Fridays and not Saturdays, the Javits Center was packed to the brim with humanity. A line stretched down the block as far as the eye could see. Worthy volunteers corralled and bally-hooed the crowd into some semblance of order and instructed attendees with weekend passes to avoid the colossal line and make their way to the main entrance. Being a credentialed member of the fourth estate, I advanced passed the great unwashed and entered to yet another huge crowd inside.

I was in a bind. I had arrived just in time to catch James Franco and Danny McBride speaking on a panel to promote their upcoming medieval(!) stoner comedy Your Highness in the IGN Theater at 10:30, but I also desperately wanted to visit the Venture Bros. signing event. I figured, with the event beginning at 11:00, the con having been underway for less than an hour, and with so many people still waiting outside to pick up their tickets, I had a pretty good chance to get a good spot in line.

I was very wrong.
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Monday, June 7, 2010

"I've said it before and I'll say it again: Democracy simply doesn't work." The MTV Movie Awards

As a student of political science, I am keenly aware that the ancient and eternal debate of mankind's existence is the struggle of the many versus the few. It could be argued that since the days of Sumer and Egypt up to today's march of democracy and liberal government there has been a gradual relative diffusion of power from the hands of high priests and god-kings to the voting public. That's all well and good I suppose; most people would agree that political power in the hands of the people is, at least on paper, a good idea (though as a direct descendant of the sun god Marduk, I have the most to lose in this scenario).

That being said, there are some instances where it has been proved that people simply don't know what the hell they're talking about. Take a look at most experiments with radical populism, your French Revolutions, your agreeing to go by "the honor system" with your roommates in regards to keeping your apartment clean, etc. They tend to fail and expose your average human being as an idiotic clod who needs a fancy man in a fancy powdered wig how to tell him how to think.

My dim, Brechtian view of humanity has only been reinforced over this past weekend with the annual onslaught of mediocrity and summer tentpole promotion that is the MTV Movie Awards. While there are plenty of arguments (all of them wrong) that the Oscars are a snobby retrenchment of elitism, one need only to look at the MTV Movie Awards for great reasoning in the direction of keeping the voting power in the hands of the Academy.

Bob Marley famously once said "Don't blame the youth." I say "Fuck the youth. They have terrible taste."

I suppose that at the ripe old age of 23 I am fast approaching the point where I will be a decade outside of MTV's target demographic. The last time I can honestly remember feeling relevant in regards to what MTV was beaming out into our idiot boxes was when I was 17 years old, and that was probably a stretch. It sucks raging against something that used to be a steadfast column of American youth culture; I suppose writing this post officially puts me in the old fogey camp- I can never be cool again in the eyes of the all-important teenage crowd.

But seriously, folks: look at this goddamn thing! New Moon was responsible for approximately 38% of the wins! Maybe I shouldn't impose an image of the Twilight Saga: Mormon Mormon Abstinence Propaganda-obsessed fandom onto all of our nation's young people, but if that's not how it is then the sensible kids out there who don't have Robert Pattinson's name scratched into their arm with a fountain pen aren't doing their civic duty and voting for the MTV Movie Awards.

For that matter, isn't this the reason we have the Electoral College? Wasn't it made up so big voting blocs like the Klan or whoever couldn't win every national election? Can't we do that with Twilight fans? They're about as bad as the Klan.

On the other hand, no: there is no other hand. These were the nominees for Best Movie:

The Twilight Saga: Mormon Mormon Abstinence Propaganda
Hot Topic Presents Alice in Wonderland
Avatar
Harry Potter and There's Still Two More Movies?
The Hangbrover

Eeeiiigh! Kill me!

So if you could sit through something like the 2010 MTV Movie Awards and not make a pretty solid argument that allowing a more "democratic" perspective in our sacred art of film awards shows is a good thing, I doff my cap to you. As for me, I remain a radical film oligarch.


Two Minutes' Hate over. As you were, citizens. England Prevails.
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Friday, May 28, 2010

"We Have To Go Back!": A Look Back at Lost

"There was no mythology to speak of in place during the early episodes of the series. We were building it as we went along." - David Fury, Lost screenwriter, May 20, 2008.

"We're still trying to be ... firmly ensconced in the world of science fact. I don't think we've shown anything on the show yet ... that has no rational explanation in the real world that we all function within...nothing is flat-out impossible. There are no spaceships. There isn't any time travel." - Lost producer Damon Lindelof, Scifiwire interview, January 20, 2005.

Unless you were hiding under a rock last week, you're probably aware that the labyrinthine tangles of Lost came to an end after six seasons of mythological riddles. For the past few years, fans have been heatedly debating the show's myriad mysteries, struggling to find some sort of cohesive explanation for every smoke monster, time traveler and four-toed statue.

The finale, like most aspects of the show, was rather divisive. If you were a fan of Lost in any capacity, you probably fall somewhere along the spectrum of "best finale ever" on one end to "biggest copout ever" on the other.

For the record, I adhere to the latter school of thought. But enough blood and ink has been spilled on the Lost finale, and there's nothing worse than a blogger on the Internet bitching about how an episode of television wasn't commensurate with his exact expectations. Rather, now that the show has concluded, I thought it was be interesting to take a look back at Lost as one unified series. The producers have claimed over the years that they had an overarching narrative in place since day one (a claim that I highly doubt, given the quotes I provided above).

But can the show function as one grand narrative? In the last decade, the Internet and DVDs have allowed fans to watch every episode of a television series in order from start to finish, a feat that was difficult to do even back in 2000. As such, television has upped the ante. HBO series are renowned for their detailed and intricate plotting, but Lost was arguably the first network show since Twin Peaks to take the "don't miss a single episode" approach. It is a television series that is serial rather than episodic, demanding that the viewer watch in order, and promising increased payback to those who pay particular attention to small details. It's the perfect kind of show for the Internet age, well-suited for close re-watching and heated discussion on message boards and blogs.

But does the show work as a single unit? Let's take a look at each of the six seasons individually. If you haven't seen the show, there will be some spoilers ahead, but I'll try to be as vague as possible.

SEASON 1

The set-up: A group of survivors from a plane crash are forced to band together on a desert island. Initially concerned with day-to-day worries such as food, water, and escape, they eventually begin to realize that it's no ordinary island. Soon, they are confronted with mysterious radio signals, polar bears, native inhabitants, and an unseen monster. Meanwhile, a collection of flashbacks reveals to the audience the convoluted histories of the central characters.

My take: In later years, Lost always veered too hard toward either mythology or character development. But the first season struck the balance perfectly. The large cast allowed for many different character interactions, and watching the group struggle to work together was just as interesting as the mysteries that were presented. The first season about Lost manages to be ominous without being goofy, and the flashbacks to the characters' past allow the castaways to be interesting and developed in such a way that later seasons would struggle to replicate.

9 smoke monsters out of 10

SEASON 2

The set-up: The survivors have infiltrated a mysterious hatch, only to find that the island had previously been inhabited by some sort of shady research group. As some characters struggle with pressing a button that may or may not prevent the end of the world, others prepare to fight the "Others" - the group of hostile inhabitants also on the island.

My take: This is where the show hit it's first major snag, as many viewers were put off by the "magic button" subplot. This season is very slow-moving, but it does build toward an exciting conclusion, and the setting in the decaying research facilities of an unknown scientific enterprise is rather inspired. Still, the show is beginning to appear directionless, as a long-awaited conflict with the Others leads exactly nowhere, new characters are introduced only to be unceremoniously killed off and the character flashbacks become more and more irrelevant.

6.5 polar bears out of 10.

SEASON 3

The set-up: Several major characters have been kidnapped by the Others, and the group must band together in order to rescue them from a small hamlet of suburban houses(!). At the end of the season, it is revealed that the Others may be hiding from a larger threat.

My take: The first half of the season is atrociously terrible, and is where even the most steadfast fans began to check out. Characters are kept in cages for episodes at a time for no reason. Meaningless mysteries are presented and solved - it is revealed there is a second island nearby, for example. The flashbacks have become completely irrelevant. This season is only saved by the ominous ending, the clever conceit of the finale, and Michael Emerson's inspired portrayal of Ben Linus, the creepy, shifty leader of the Others.

4 DHARMA Initiatives out of 10.

SEASON 4

The set-up: Several characters team up with the Others to fight against a freighter with troops to invade the island. Meanwhile, the narrative flashbacks are replaced with flashforwards to the characters' futures, revealing some surprising future developments.

My take: The writers' strike led to an unfortunately truncated season. Still, this one is fast-paced and full of action, and the introduction of the new characters on the freighter led to some much-needed fresh blood in the cast. The use of flashforwards is also clever and rewards the viewer who pays attention.. On the other hand, the island's mythology is becoming more convoluted with no solution in sight, and many of the original characters are receiving far less screen time, as the writers struggle to find plot arcs for the large cast.

7 Crazy French Women out of 10

SEASON 5

The set-up: A mistake in the previous season has led to the island jumping through time and space. The characters struggle to correct this chronological mishap, and then find themselves stuck in the 70s working for the mysterious scientific research group only hinted at in previous seasons. At the end of the season, it is revealed that two opposing forces have been competing for control of the castaways...or something like that.

My take: This seasons is probably the most fun, although many fans were turned off by the sci-fi elements that no longer even try to disguise themselves. There are some interesting character developments, and the time travel conceit allows us to learn a lot about the island's history without the use of awkward monologues and stilted conversation. No major mysteries are solved, but the time traveling and likable supporting cast are so much fun that it's hard to notice. It's a goofy season, but goofy in a self-aware manner - in Season 5, Lost is just having a good time.

8 Magic Buttons out of 10

SEASON 6

The set-up: The entire island plot has been revealed to be the machinations of two warring brothers - one good, one evil. The characters must band together to prevent the evil brother from leaving the island. Meanwhile, the audience is presented with a mysterious alternate universe where the characters seem subconsciously aware of their lives on the Island.

My take: The introduction of the conflict between brothers so late in the show makes it hard for me to care about this conflict. Previously important plotlines - like the Others - are dropped entirely and never explained. The finale is filled with action and adventure, but the actual stakes are still hidden behind a veil of mystery, so when the characters begin fighting over a mysterious cave with a pillar of light, it's hard to care without knowing what the pillar of light is or what happens when it goes out. Meanwhile, the half of the season spent in this alternative universe is resolved in the most cheesy and lazy of all possible ways. The show ends with dozens of major questions unanswered, and a copout of an ending that practically invalidates the plot of the previous five seasons.

2 Pillars of Light out of 10

In the end, does Lost work as a coherent series? I don't think so. Any individual season can be watched as a unit; indeed, the plotting of each season is very well-done. But though each season has an easily discernible plot arc, the show falls apart when the viewer watches seasons back to back.

For example, the writers could never truly decide what the central conflict was. In season 2, it was the castaways fighting the Others. By Season 4, it was the Others fighting the island invaders. By Season 6, it was the mysterious figure of Jacob fighting his brother. But each previous conflict is left unexplained and unresolved as the writers move on to the next one; the ante is continually upped, but without bothering to clear the mess left behind. It's hard to justify the Others running around barefoot kidnapping castaways on a "List" in season 2 with the Others in Season 4 or Season 6. Each season is elaborately plotted, but an intra-seasonal viewing reveals a large number of plot holes and a basic thematic inconsistency.

Part of this stems from the perils of network television, in which shows are often unaware of how long they have to live or die. One can hardly blame the writers for making up stuff on the fly, or retconning previous developments in order to change the stakes. But part of me wonders if network television was the best medium for Lost. It might have thrived as an HBO series - where shows are given much more creative leeway, and often allowed to conclude even amid struggling ratings.

But I truly think Lost should have been a miniseries, say about 24 episodes or so. It wouldn't have been able to include all the mysteries that the series did, but it turned out that half those mysteries were dead ends and red herrings anyway. Miniseries allow the writers to sit down and plan the entire plot from beginning to end, and that's what Lost needed. The writers proved they could plot an entire season from start to finish - each individual season is wonderfully consistent and self-encapsulated.

Lost as an ambitious miniseries could have not only prevented many of the writing mishaps, but also the casting problems inherent in filming a show in Hawaii. (At least one character had to be killed off because that actor didn't want to live in Hawaii anymore). Instead, spread across six seasons, it was far too easy for cracks to appear in the Lost mythological facade, and far too difficult to craft the show into one sustained story.

Finally, there are Lost fans out there who maintain that it's really a show about characters and not about the mysterious island at all. Besides the obvious rebuttal (why write a bunch of island mysteries at all, then?), there's another reason I don't think this is true, and another reason why I think the show ultimately fails at its goals: the characters on Lost were rarely proactive.

For most of the series, the central characters found themselves responding to one crisis after another. Walt has been kidnapped! Invaders are coming! We're in 1975 now! We have to go back! This makes for exciting, fast-paced story telling. But it also makes for shitty character development, as the characters found themselves taking an entirely reactive role.

It's hard to flesh out characters when all they do is react to one thing after another. Real character development requires characters making their own decisions. The best seasons - Seasons 1 and 5 - found the characters doing just that, having to decide the best choice for themselves. The weakest seasons saw the characters running from one incident to another, not making any decisions so much as simply reacting to what was happening in front of them. The strange island incidents became lazy storytelling plain and simple - shortcuts to get the characters where they needed to be in order to advance the plot. The characters themselves never made any decisions; they were herded into certain situations through transparent deus ex machinas. In the end, much of Lost was simply a bunch of characters running back and forth while Stuff Happened To Them. It was clear that the characters always served the plot, and rarely was it the other way around.

Lost attempted to create a new kind of serialized story-telling, involving interesting characters coping with intricately-plotted mysteries. It didn't succeed, but the attempt was a hell of a lot of fun. A propensity of unexplained phenomena and not-quite-developed characters ultimately prevented the show from achieving what it was aiming for, but I'm glad there was a show with such lofty ambitions on network television - a medium normally reserved for quotidian crime dramas and forgettable sitcoms.

But in the end, I'm afraid I have to chalk up the entire series of Lost as a failure, weighed down by its own grandiose aims, even as individual seasons of the show are successes. It's an interesting, creative, wildly ambitious failure, perhaps even a failure that's worth watching. But a failure, nonetheless.
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Monday, March 29, 2010

Why Bother? Clash of the Titans Is Gonna Hurt Me

We as a nation are fast approaching the release date of the brand spankin' new remake of the beloved classic film Clash of the Titans. I could spend the better part of an afternoon typing about the wrongness of the 3-D "upconversion" of the movie (it's a rip-off and an attempt to rob you of an extra four dollars, save your money and buy a bag of Skittles, kids) but that's been done plenty already.

What gets my goat about this thing isn't the fact that a spring studio tentpole is being made into a two hour moving Viewmaster slide, but rather that it is indeed a brand spankin' new remake of the beloved classic film Clash of the Titans. Plenty, in fact all too many, remakes, reboots, and "re-imaginings" have been made in the decade now past and all of those have their detractors and defenders, but as far as my addled mind can recall, none have hit home for me like a remake of Clash of the Titans promises to.

You see, 1981's Clash of the Titans is a movie I love. I like it more than I like most people. Choose one random friend or acquaintance of mine, it doesn't matter how close or estranged, and present me with the option of either watching them die or losing Clash of the Titans from our cultural memory, and I will gladly end the life of someone I care about in the defense of that movie.

Clash of the Titans is of course an adaptation of the story of the ancient Greek hero Perseus and his slaying of Medusa and the sea monster Cetus (here given the somewhat more generic and confusing name, for those of us with an interest in cryptozoology, of "the Kraken"). As far as story and direction goes, it's slightly above-average at best, nothing special really. What makes it so goddamn awesome is the special effects contributions of the master himself, Ray Harryhausen.

Harryhausen is widely held to be the greatest stop-motion animator in Hollywood history. He's responsible for such classics as Jason and the Argonauts, The 7th Voyage of Sinbad, and The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms among many others. Even if his name doesn't ring a bell, you will definitely recognize his work.



The animated creatures provided by Harryhausen, coupled with some awesome appearances from classically-trained thespians like Laurence Olivier and Maggie Smith as the gods of Olympus, make what could be a fairly unremarkable sword-and-sorcery flick into a movie beloved by most people of taste born after 1970.

Clash holds a special place in my heart because it was the movie that teachers would show you in middle school history class to teach you about Greek mythology. It was your reward for sitting through a week of learning about augury and how Athena burst out of Zeus' head. And most importantly of all, it was a PG-rated movie from that glorious pre-Gremlins, pre-Temple of Doom days, meaning it featured brief instances of female nudity. Schwing!

Maybe it's because I'm a fanboy of Generation X children's fantasy films, but I just can't help but be a little more wary than usual of the approaching remake, due out this Friday. While I suppose any movie about Perseus has to be called "Clash of the Titans", there seems to be something extra-heinous about turning the best of Ray Harryhausen's oeuvre into a (not even real) 3-D CGI-filled action movie that looks more like God of War than something from the man who brought us 20 Million Miles to Earth.



So I really have to ask, "why bother?" Why not give us a Bellerophon movie? You still get Pegasus, and I think everyone would love to see a CGI chimera.

There was something great about the Harryhausen style, and indeed most stop-motion and practical effects-based movies. By using something that actually physically exists for an effect, as opposed to something that only really exists as code inside a computer, there is something in your brain that buys it, or at least appreciates it more than any computer-generated imagery. At least to me anyway, I was after all the only person I know rooting for Fantastic Mr. Fox to beat Up at this year's Academy Awards.

Maybe the new Clash will win me over; hell, I'm sure it will. From the moment they announced that Liam "throatpunch" Neeson had been cast as Zeus, I was on board a hundred-and-ten percent. And besides, the trailer embedded above makes it look like Dragonforce: the Movie. Still, I'd like to go on record and utter a single cry of "Hollywood is raping my childhood!" for posterity's sake.
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Saturday, January 30, 2010

The Top 5 Games That Ruin Friendships

I know that look in Yoshi's eyesI have written recently about the concept of collaborative gaming, and like any good train-0f-thought, it led me to start pondering the opposite end of the spectrum: competitive gaming. In a world where the masses fear the isolating effects of video games -- the loss of family values among them -- fingers are pointed at all sides, and some noble developers strive to produce the perfect “family” game.

There are plenty of fun, feel-good, home-style board games that deserve lots of praise for their creativity, and some video games have been popping up that deliver a surprisingly comparable effect. However, there are some games that, despite their developers intentions (or perhaps as a direct result of them), fan the flames of ire between the players, be they on a physical board or a back-lit screen. I reflected on the worst of such games, and I have composed this [angry] list for your reading pleasure.

#5: The New Super Mario Bros Wii, multiplayer

It was after an extensive debate that I finally placed this game on my list, and it appears at the lowest rank because of my personal bias. I love this game, but it can understandably cause some tension if you have any shreds of pride in your platformer skills. Not only can it be extremely frustrating when players bash into each other in mid-air while trying to escape the shooting death-lava or a sinking foothold, it’s also reasonable to hypothesize that the developers must have had some malicious intentions when they programmed in the ability to pick up other players and throw them around without their consent. I have, on multiple occasions, been hurled off the edge of the screen by my partners, a martyr for the Big Coin cause, without having any say in the matter. While I thought it was hilarious at the time, I can see how others might see it differently.

#4: Halo 1-3

One of the more ubiquitous titles in gamer households, Halo’s multiplayer can be fun and an amusing opportunity to exorcise your inner immaturity, releasing it before it can escape in front of your boss or your girlfriend. Regardless of which version of Halo you prefer, the diversity of game-rules, the detailed maps, and the grounds laden with weapons can add spice to any individual or team battle between your and your buddies.

But while stat-lines such as “Boobz was killed by Mexicans” or “Big cocks was killed by AIDS” can provide hours of entertainment, it’s only so freaking funny when Boobz just can’t catch a break and keeps getting annihilated only seconds after each respawn.  The taunting laugher and the vicious smack-talk begin to haunt Boobz until he or she tosses down the controller and storms out of the room. And there is always that one jerk who is way way better than everyone else. After a few friendly battles, the dominant player or team combination begins leech the fun out of the game, and so the rules have to be altered or exaggerated to add some chaos in the attempt to even the odds.

But this is a risky business too, and it usually precedes the conclusion of play by about fifteen minutes. The unpredictability of chaos combined with the frustration of repeatedly losing (or as in the case of our theoretical Jerk, who we will call Elite Skillz, the frustration of having your game style altered by whiny losers) can lead to boredom, which can lead to a reckless desire to give up winning and focus on ruining the game for others.

# 3: Mario Party 1-358

It’s hard to accept that anything with the word “party” in it can be evil – especially when it’s populated by something as benign and adorable  as the Mario cast. But don’t be fooled, my friends. This four-player video/board game in any of its evil incarnations can destroy the bonds of friendship as strongly as any demon.

The mini-games are a ridiculous combination of goofy luck and button-mashing, and if you’re new to them you have absolutely no hope of ever winning one except by blind luck. The game layout is designed to increase the random distribution of negative events and items, allowing everyone to get their fair share of the frustration. Yet somehow the most negative event always seems to happen to you. You’ll think to yourself, “I’ll get that star as long as I don’t role a one!” And lo, by some miracle, you will always get a one.

It doesn’t matter which version you choose, they’re all the same.  I’ve seen smack talk that would make your mom blush, and tantrums that would embarrass a five year old.

# 2: Diplomacy

This is the stuff of nightmaresI know that the writers and many of the readers at Charge Shot!!! are intimately familiar with the board game Diplomacy, but I haven’t met many other people who are, and that’s probably for the best. The whole point of this terrible game is to make allies out of other players and then subsequently screw them over, ideally in the most diplomatic way possible.

The game shares some similarities with Risk, primarily in that the overriding goal is to conquer territory. Another unfortunate commonality is that eliminated players are rewarded by being allowed to abstain from the twelve hours of play that follow their humiliating defeat. The mechanics of the game are pretty simple: up to seven players fill spots in Eurasia, and then they all attempt to invade one another. There are no dice, there are no cards, there is only purposeful and collaborative movement.

Each round consists of fifteen minutes spent talking and planning, each player writing their exact moves before the turn begins, with the theory that players acts simultaneously, eliminating the advantage of a turn-based game. Since all moves are very simple and involve a single-space movement per turn, successful invasions depend on the strength of numbers, and in most cases, this requires the support of your “allies.” If your allies lie to you, promising support and then failing to give it (attacking, say, you instead) you’re screwed, and a chump to boot.

It’s not hard to see why this game can ruin relationships. Surviving Diplomacy requires thick skin, and the ability to realize that in this game, it is completely reasonable to assume that even your closest friend is lying to your face.

# 1: Monopoly

Screw Monopoly! What a horrible, horrible game. And no, Hasboro, producing a million versions of themed Monopoly does nothing to improve the actual playability of your dark and sinister attempt to teach children that capitalism kills. I hate Catopoly even more than I hate the original, and don’t even get me started on Nintendopoly.

The point of this game is to bankrupt your opponents and become supreme chancellor of of your cyclical square-shaped economy by buying and mortgaging properties, utilities, and transportation systems with reckless abandon – often for hours and hours at a time. When you finally go bankrupt, forced by the die rolls of fate onto the hotel-lined stretch of doom set up by your salivating opponent, you’re simply eliminated from the game entirely because now, as a homeless top hat figurine, your existence is meaningless. You sit and watch as the person who took you out absorbs your hard-earned properties and dominates the rest of the game ruthlessly.

Isn’t it somewhat telling that all the would-be monopolists go to jail so often? When the player in the lead accidentally does to go to jail, he or she can happily remain there, safe from the feeble rent fees of puny small-business opponents, and unflinching at the eventual forced $50 dollar bail. And why does passing Go allow you to collect miscellaneous money from the sky? That doesn’t make sense!

This game is an evil attempt to teach our children that success comes in the form of owning property, amassing money, and exploiting your peers, which is totally unlike real life.

Oh hell. That is totally like real life.

The World Monopoly Champion proudly represents the global economic beast, Norway.

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Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Search Engine Ads and Target Demographics


Imagine you're house-sitting at your parents house for the weekend. You've just fried yourself up some shrimp scampi, and you're in search of a nice Pinot Grigio to supplement the meal. But, what's this? Your dad's locked up the wine closet? And hidden the key, to boot?

This is outrageous! you think to yourself. Not only does this betray an insane lack of paternal trust, but I'm storing some of my own personal wines in there! What if I wanted to get at those during my stay here? Am I not allowed? Outrageous!

So you decide to be a little enterprising. There's a paperclip lying on the table. And check out this super thin file, long yet sturdy. You think to yourself, Hey, I'm probably just as talented as MacGyver; picking this lock should be easy!

Making absolutely no progress after several minutes of attempting this task - and after your succulent scampi has cooled to a less-than-delectable room temperature - you decide to enlist some help from the Internet. Find out what happens next after the jump...


The top Google search results for "how to pick a lock" are from a website called wikiHow.com. The first one explains the process in great detail, but it assumes you have access to a handy tool called a tension wrench and a series of different sized picks. Well, sure, you think to yourself, anything's easy if you have the right tools. But my dinner's already getting cold, and I don't want to make a trip to the hardware store.

The second hit, also from wikiHow, is entitled "How to Pick a Lock With Household Items." This looks promising, you think, your eyes lighting up with anticipation. But this article is completely useless! According to the advice contained therein, picking a lock is as simple as inserting a paperclip or a flat sided hair pin into the keyhole, and BAM, you're done. How could it possibly be that easy - otherwise, what would be the point of having locks in the first place?

So you try the third hit. Ooh, this looks interesting: lockpickguide.com. It's well-organized, with a nifty looking nav bar on the left hand side. It's well-presented, even including a pleasantly-worded introduction telling you exactly what to expect from the site. But just as you're about to dive right in, something gives you pause. It's a pair of ads by Google, interrupting the text, just at the bottom of the screen. One is for local Krav Maga training facilities, the other is a more general "learn self-defense" service.

You're not completely sure about the workings of Google ads, but you seem to recall hearing somewhere that the feature tracks the most visited sites by people who also visit the site in question (in this case, lockpickguide.com), then includes ads for similar sites on lockpickguide.com. If this is indeed the case, then one can assume a fairly large contingent of people who want to use forced entry techniques and self-defense in conjunction with one another.

You hit reload, just to see if anything changes. This time, the pair of ads reads: "How to Get Off the Grid" and "How to make Electricity." One more reload reveals ads for "Bulletproof and Combat VEST" and "Military Body Armor." Quite a laundry list of red flag-raising interests for people who like to visit this site: they want to pick locks, kick ass, and live without relying on the electricity provided by the power grid. They're also expecting to see plenty of heavy combat and gunfire.

Could all web surfers who are curious about lock picking have such [deviant?] [counterculture?] interests? you ask, as you return to those wikiHow articles. Nope, just ads for pick/tension wrench sets and locksmiths. Could it be that you just happened to stumble on an elusive and self-sufficient group of super-crafty, super-violent ninja thieves? Stranger things have happened on the Internet...

But if you, a common internet surfer, could discover so much about the type of people who visit a certain site, just think of the information to which the folks at Google are privy to. They must have a huge network of tracking software that can reliably tell exactly who visits which sites, generalize that data into what the viewers might be interested in, and then manufacture effective advertisements for those interests. They have a similar process for producing ads on Gmail, Google's email service: a bot purportedly scans your emails for keywords and sends those words to a processing system, which stamps ads on your sidebar. This has become so extensive, that if you include an address in your email, you will see a link to a Google map of that address in your mail window.

They claim that no actual living human being sees the content your emails - but even if that's the case, what's to prevent Google's minions from looking at the content of your ads, then divining what you were writing about in the first place? Blogging celebrity Cory Doctorow already examined what might happen in this scenario, and it's quite a fun read. Hopefully either Google's intentions are pure, or the fact that people on the Internets have wised up to the danger may cause them to back off from whatever nefarious plots they may have had in the works. But if they wanted to carry out some mass identity theft/invasion or privacy caper, could anybody even stop them at this point?

I doubt if Google has the will to commit any crimes with the information they've gathered over the years. Their well-oiled machine was most likely engineered for the rather benign purpose of increasing revenues through an aggressive marketing campaign. The more they know about the interests of their target demographics, the more likely they are to click on the links provided, which increases site activity, which makes it more likely that other advertisers will buy space on their sites. Well-oiled indeed.

The more you think about it, it's a little overwhelming what a tremendous role advertising has played in our lives. Billboards tower over our freeways. Names of banks, insurance companies, and corporate megagiants adorn our sports stadiums. Commercials interrupt our favorite TV programs and delay the start times of our favorite movies. Pop-up ads jump out at us from behind our favorite websites. And now these cyber ads are being tailored to fit our personal interests. Where will it all end?

Internet marketing has the benefit of being almost instantaneous - if I see an ad for a product (say, some military grade body armor), through a series of clicks and credit card numbers, I can order said product without leaving the security of my computer, or talking to a single human being. Television is not nearly as efficient: the best a TV ad can do is provide me with a phone number and urge me to "Call Now!" to receive FREE Processing & Handling.

So far, Google has mastered the art of internet marketing better than any other conglomerate. Some advertisers may shift over to Bing because of its superior layout, but even when you search through a site through Bing, those ads by Google still show up in the site itself. That's an unprecedented ability to get inside my head and try to sell me stuff.

I don't know if being aware of the pervasiveness of intrusive ads makes me feel any better about the practice. But I figure a little awareness never hurt anybody...
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Friday, December 4, 2009

The Rise and (Eventual) Fall of the Plastic Music Peripheral

Too many guitars In 2005, the music game genre changed forever.  Prior to the groundbreaking release of Guitar Hero, games like Amplitude, Gitaroo Man, and Vib Ribbon were the closest gamers could get to making music on their consoles.  Of course, Japanese gamers had access to Konami’s GuitarFreaks and DrumMania, but only because Japan still believes in arcades.  The only Bemani title to see widespread success in America was Dance Dance Revolution (which I assume is still being played in a few bowling alleys and middle-school gym classes).  Most of these games came with J-pop soundtracks instead of Western pop/rock collections and thus became popular among insular demographics of avid gamers and Japanophiles. 

Guitar Hero changed all that.  Publisher RedOctane was inspired by its hardware work for GuitarFreaks, and they brought on music-game specialists Harmonix to develop the software.  They struck oil.  The setlist, forty-some guitar-centric rock songs, reached out to music fans who might not have otherwise picked up a controller.  The guitar peripheral freed gamers shackled to their DualShocks.  And surprisingly, everyone was willing to pay the extra money for a game that came with a plastic guitar.

Flash forward to present day, when any gamer remotely interested in Guitar Hero or its Probably-The-Better-Series-Now sister franchise Rock Band now has a closet (or living room) overflowing with plastic instruments.  After four years of unbridled expansion, the plastic instrument genre’s gray hairs are starting to show.

Part of the problem may be the flagging economy.  In case you hadn’t noticed, there’s a recession on.  People are out of work so they don’t have money, or they’re saving up money in case they end up out of work.  It’s bad enough that the industry is currently married to a $60 price point for big releases (Activision’s Bobby Kotick would, of course, charge more if he could), but the $100 barrier to entry for music games just seems obscene in this financial climate.  For $100 you can buy an actual guitar and learn to play actual songs

Cultural interest also seems to be peaking.  The first Guitar Hero game featured covers of well-known songs.  The sequel had a few master recordings, which titillated players who could now hear Ozzy actually sing Sabbath songs.  Now you’d be hard-pressed to find a music game without fully-licensed music.  With this wide acceptance has also come a battle for the biggest “gets.”  The Rock Band boys seem to have won the war by securing the rights to The Beatles (after their initial shrug-inducing AC/DC effort).  Activision has pumped out one Guitar Hero band title after another (Aerosmith, Metallica, Van Halen) with little lasting success.  Perhaps the only band left that could rival Beatlemania is Led Zeppelin, but I think that Zep might lack the universal appeal of the Fab Four.  Guitar Hero has been featured on South Park.  The New York Times loved The Beatles: Rock Band.  It can’t get any bigger than this.

Plus, the near-perfection of the Hero/Rock Band formula means that each new iteration feels exponentially less new.  The rules of play have become so standardized; playable music has become codified into a five-button system complete with Perfects, Goods, and Star Powers.  Any kid who believes the hype about the next Rock Band actually teaching them music will be surprised to discover that Mozart did not, in fact, compose on a five-note rainbow scale.  The only reason to look forward to each new version is the track listing, which is stupid considering the proliferation of downloadable track packs.  I don’t need to pay $60 for a new disc.  I will browse your store and choose for myself.  The series of good ideas that led to the genre’s success are now stifling its creative growth.

As I said, we’re reaching the instrument peripheral saturation point.  The backwards compatibility of each new release demonstrates an acknowledgement on the side of the developer that we’ve got all the guitars we can handle.  And if they released some crazy new way to play plastic instruments, they’d split the user base.  You’d have some people excited by the challenge, but people who’d just gotten comfortable with the Orange guitar button would feel betrayed and taken advantage of.  Not a good way to treat your constituents.

And then there’s DJ Hero.  By all accounts, Activision’s foray into plastic turntabling is a good game.  It’s just not a game people seem to want.  It’s $120 –  nobody wants to pay that.  It’s primarily a single-player experience – the market’s shown these games do better as party titles.  It puts players in the role of DJ – who wants to be a DJ?  Guitar Hero works because it plays on air guitar fantasies: thousands of screaming fans watching you rock out onstage.  The best DJs are behind-the-scenes magicians, deftly matching beats and providing a good flow to the evening.  I don’t see a good DJ at a party and go, “Man, I wish I could do that.”  I maybe sidle up next him, drink in hand, and ask where he got that sweet mash-up he just played.  Or perhaps ask where he found that awesome equalizer t-shirt he’s wearing (true story). 

This peripheral stagnation isn’t just confined to music games.  Take a look at Tony Hawk: RideNobody wants that.  Anyone who wants skateboarding to be more than button combinations on a controller is probably already outside on a real board, convinced it’s 1999.  And Nintendo’s done a decent job so far jamming Wii peripherals down the throats of newly-converted baby boomers, but they’re still putting out the Wii Vitality Sensor.  People who buy that shouldn’t be surprised when it doesn’t work for them – they’re already dead inside.

It’s hard enough to keep up with the onslaught of new releases, much less make sense out of all the hoopla surrounding them (I’m looking at you Call of Duty), that sustaining all of this plastic is just impossible.  I’m not talking video game landfills or anything, but there just isn’t room in our collective closets anymore.  Maybe Natal will arrive and relieve us of the need for controllers at all.  In the meantime, I’ve still got to my money’s worth out of my Interactor.

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Saturday, November 21, 2009

The Sins of Today’s Gaming Elite, or The Angry Rants of A[n ex-] Girl-Gamer After CoD: MW2

call of smash bros For the past week I’ve had a squatter in my house.

He’s the worst kind, too. He’s that big-spending, TV-monopolizing gamer who takes over your living room, and then plunges you into deep inner conflict by being really polite. The worst part is the endless flow of cash and time that he has for video games, causing you to rage with jealousy over his vast collection (bitterly hiding it because he shares it with you), while simultaneously feeling secretly grateful that you have a life.

Last weekend he brought home not only The Prestige Edition of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, but also the MW2 limited edition Xbox 360 console. While this site has its ancestry in gaming and I thus assume most writers and readers understand what this entails, I will elaborate.

The themed limited edition Xbox 360 is aimed at cashing in on trigger-happy fans looking to replace or upgrade an outdated console, featuring an “exclusive design” inspired by the “epic thriller,” a ramped-up 250 GB hard drive, two wireless controllers, a headset, and a copy of the game itself, all for just $399.00.

The Prestige Edition of MW2 includes the game disk, a hard cover book of production art, and FULLY FUNCTIONING NIGHT VISION GOGGLES!!!, all wrapped up in lovely collectors casing for the low price of $149.99, a mere $90.99 above the standalone game disk and only $69.99 more than the Collector’s Edition.

Gamer boys and collar-popped bros everywhere would have begged to take the entire collection up to their bedrooms for some “private time” after they had finished wiping the drool off their extra chins and polo shirts, respectively

Let me preface my alarm by recognizing the conditional nature of my perspective. First, I am a girl, and as the only bearer of two X-chromosomes currently writing for this blog, I represent a unique position. And yes, as a girl, I have a negative predisposition towards most war-themed first-person shooters that strike me as disturbingly violent opportunities to assert masturbatory male dominance, growing more alarming the more believably they reflect what real people go through in real war while still maintaining appropriate distance from the darker aspects of that reality.

With that in mind I pose this question, expressing my bewilderment with the reckless abuse of structure and end-punctuation: “NIGHT VISION GOGGLES?! REALLY?!?!

It’s not enough that traditional console games isolate the budget gamer with their price tag of $50+, but this exorbitant abuse of testosterone is ludicrous. Reviewers at male-driven gaming sites can only dribble spit over their keyboards as they cry “it’s the cheapest pair of NVGs on the market!”

Because clearly no household is complete without this important staple!

Am I surprised that owning NVGs is a massive part of perpetuating the masculine wet-dream of video-game soldiering? No. But that doesn’t stop me from fem-raging about it.

I tried them on before I judged them, and as a physicist, I found them relatively cool…for about 90 seconds. Seeing as how most of us live in urban or suburban area filled with enough light pollution to see just fine in the dark, they are of no practical use whatsoever…except perhaps for turning the lights on when your friends are wearing them so that their retinas burn out. Oh, and they’ll be great when the Zombie Apocalypse comes.

In a concession, this guy was in possession of two broken consoles, so he needed a replacement, and why not fork out the extra cash to get the larger hard drive with wireless controllers? Maybe he can sell his extra copy of the game and make back some of his $600. DID I MENTION HE LIVES ON MY COUCH?

I am a girl-gamer at heart. Unfortunately, somewhere during high school I started spending my own money and developing self-motivated, hard-nosed goals in athletics and academics that slowed down my gaming pace, and I quickly fell behind. Now I am that well-intentioned girl who always likes to play, but is never quite good enough to compete at the higher levels. Sometimes it’s hilarious when I fall off Rainbow Road 6,520,982 times, other times it’s really, really annoying.

Sometimes I think about getting back into dedicated console gaming, but it’s such a mine-field, and guys like my couch-surfer are bright red flags. I feel like that world has flown by me, and I have so much catching-up to do that I might as well drop out of the race and fully relinquish the girl-gamer designation. Not only would the price tag of re-investing be outrageous (while my household sports nine consoles and five TVs between five [six] housemates, I own none of them personally, and most of them are occupied for most of the day), but the time-investment is just galling. I’m still inching my way through the glory-days of PS2 games on the weekends, and there’s a library of epic titles between me and any new releases. And forget sequels. Learning a new game in a series without learning its predecessors is like trying to get your non-gamer girlfriend to play Smash Bros Brawl with a group of fervent trilogy dedicates.

I believe that the casual gamer is being ostracized by the rapid growth of the visual entertainment market and its consumers. Guys like my new housemate make it nearly impossible for me to jump back into the raging white-water of video games without being swept under the current. Because his lucrative cash flow must be constantly satiated with newer, bigger, better, and best, I am passed by because I have shallow pockets and deep priorities. While the indie game movement has tried to reach out to me with its 10-dollar/10-hour peace offerings, that culture is so vast and complex that it is its own form of intimidating.

I understand that I’m talking about the sequel to the best selling first-person action game in history, and I don’t disparage its quest for profit nor do I tout it as the representative of all games. I am not a profitable customer, I know that. Yet I see myself facing a line of Blue Falcons hurtling down a speedway, and as they pass by me I wonder: It is worth trying to catch a hold of one, Falcon-punching my way back to the top, or do I let go and fly off the screen forever?

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Thursday, November 19, 2009

NASA is Using Kids to Explore Mars

NASA wants to use our children to help colonize chart Mars.  And they’re going to do it with – wait for it – videogamesDoes this look like a game to you?

The new Be A Martian website invites kids to join in on the rollicking good time that is tedious space cartography.  I’m not sure what being a Martian has to do with exploring Mars.  Common sense dictates that a Martian would probably already know a lot about the place.  What with them being from there and all.  I suppose they’re using a looser definition of the term that encompasses People Who Want to Spend Virtual Time on Mars.  Whatever it takes to get the kids a-clickin’, I suppose.

And a-clickin’ kids will be.  The “game” consists of two activities: matching non-descript Mars photos with a larger non-descript background and identifying craters in a slightly-more-descript Mars photo.  It’s a lot of mouse clicks for a whole lot of not fun.  There are two killjoys affecting this process: the tedium of the task (it can only serve to get kids less interested in space travel) and the alienation effect of not knowing what you’ve accomplished.  I had a hell of a time matching up those stupid photos and when I told the game I was done, it gave me some meaningless points without any Right/Wrong feedback.  What if I’m doing it incorrectly?  If I’m working for NASA, shouldn’t I be fired by now? 

To be honest, I had more fun just signing up for the website.  It’s chock full of goofy, charming language and nonsensical options.  You’re basically choosing a Character Class when you fill in the following “In our community culture, fellow Martians can count on me to be a(n)…”  Your options include: All-around Good-natured Citizen, Intrepid Explorer, Knowledge Creator, and Pioneering Innovator among others.  I like that last one because it’s so redundant.  You’re then asked to choose a robot avatar for Martian exploration.  Each is modeled after an Earth animal (you’re picking a character portrait, essentially).  I chose a camel because it made the least sense.  To help kids understand why we use robots, the site included the following adorable explanation:

“Robots are extensions of ourselves, venturing where we cannot (yet!) go. Robots in turn rely on us to interpret the discoveries they send back on our behalf. It's a partnership.”

I don’t know if it’s a good thing that I enjoyed signing up for this game more than the game itself.  Maybe if I was six, my Wish I’d Been An Astronaut father could pull the wool over my eyes.  And besides, this whole project suggests we’re only a few steps away from using kids to fight our space wars.

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Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Getting A Degree In Games As Art

A whole new generation of kids can worry their parents with declared majors of Game Design – but this time, those kids are students at New York University, a school one thinks should know better.

Check out their homepage – it’s so legit, it makes me wonder why I stayed up until 3 a.m. playing Mass Effect when I could have been writing an exhaustively researched, extensively footnoted research paper on choice in Bioshock.

But I do wonder: how exactly do lonely, cloistered and horny NYU undergraduate males pitch their major to the opposite sex? “Girl, I construct reality using overlapping matrixes of choice and action?”

Do I even understand what I just said? No. But I’m pretty sure it would work on your average Kenyon College female.

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Saturday, October 24, 2009

Borderlands Not Dying; Pachter Something Less Than a Charlatan

How does Industry Analyst Michael Pachter do it? How does he reach into the future and pluck out predictions about price points and sales trends?

Many have accused him of using gypsy magic, but I think it’s much simpler: Industry Analyst Michael Pachter uses the incisive tools of deduction he learned in third grade. For example: in predicting the success of Gearbox’s new shooter/RPG Borderlands, Industry Analyst Michael Patchter deduced from the game’s hybrid nature that it would be unable to compete against Modern Warfare 2, the probable shooter-to-beat, or Dragon Age: Origins, a shit-hot Bioware RPG.

Ready for some Pachter arithmetic? Solve for Success Of Borderlands, where Modern Warfare 2 equals a 2 bazillion and Dragon Age: Origins equals 1.5 bazillion. Borderlands can be any whole number less than a bazillion.

Success of Borderlands = Borderlands - (Modern Warfare (Dragon Age: Origins))

Bingo! Thus Industry Analyst Michael Pachter declares that Borderlands was “sent to die” on store shelves.

Except it hasn’t. Gearbox reports they’ve had trouble keeping the game in stores, and are struggling to meet demand.

Whether this is due to a reduced distribution run is irrelevant – Industry Analyst Michael Pachter stands defeated with his broken logic. Assuming that gamers’ affections are so easily quantified shows not only a lack of imagination, but a serious disconnect with the gaming public. An aggressively idiosyncratic title like Borderlands is more likely to gather a loyal following among gamers than any other demographic. We like midgets with shotguns. More importantly, we like them enough to buy the game, competition notwithstanding.

It’s not that Industry Analyst Michael Pachter is evil or otherwise ill-intentioned. Worse: he’s clueless. Put away the crystal ball, Pachter, and move along to the next village.

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